Sunday, 5 August 2012

Olympics With Blanche


Fear not my friends, Blanche is back. One is awfully sorry regarding the lack of updates but you see one has been in a Cillit Bang induced coma for the best part of six month. Apparently it is not an appropriate substitute when faced with the dilemma of an empty bottle of gin. What’s a full bottle I hear you cry? I wont lie, my heads a bit groggy, my insides feel bloody marvelous though.

Well I’ve been inspired to write again after the spirit of Lilly Savage inhibited my body, this may come as a surprise to you but she’s a great fan of the Olympics, she once came second in a trolley dash around Primark so she’s practically an Olympian herself. It wasn’t until the day after we realized that it was in fact the start of the Birkenhead riots, well Dale Winton was shopping for a new onesie so you can see the confusion.

Well it has startled me to see the gays have embraced the Olympics and have managed to dragged themselves out of their local dark room long enough to find the TV remote. Maybe they were just confused at the mention of 5 rings and thought it was something else entirely. Although I think that being able to pause live TV during the middle of one of Tom Daley’s exquisite dives may have been a catalyst.

I myself have been overcome with Olympic glee. I found myself attempting quite a technically challenged routine with the ribbons. I was feeling rather daring after a special Olympic GnT – with just a splash of Dettol. Had it been an official sport of the games I’m quite sure I would have got gold, putting the business of the strangled camel aside.

The gays have embraced the sports so much that they too have their own special ‘Gay Games,’ an event that has taken part every 4 years since 1982. It surprised me to learn that the Javelin had not been replaced with a stiletto nor are the sprinters running towards a mid season sale at Abercrombie and Fitch. However the opening ceremony is a little different in that the games cannot officially begin until all 5 Olympic rings have been found which have been hidden within a local sauna. Gone are the big name sponsors too instead replaced with Aussiebum and Liquid Gold. Medals have also been replaced with a selection of Tony & Guy hair products in Gold, Silver and Bronze bottles respectively.

I also hear that there is a new sporting event in the planning called the ‘Giro Games.’ The first event is to be held in Liverpool this autumn. Some unconfirmed rumored events include replacing car wheels with bricks, skinning up as well as throwing Rockport. The Team GB kit has been designed by McKenzie and sponsored by Jeremy Kylie. Gold medals have been replaced with packets of Golden Virginia. Contestants are reportedly in exhausting training regimes up and down the country in your local Safeway car park.

With all this excitement one feels exhausted and must dash away to relax and unwind. I’ll leave you with these words, ‘it’s not the taking part that counts, it’s the winning.’

Love Always, 
Blanche.

‘Jeeves, I’ll have a shot of Lenor and a line of Daz’

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