A 27 year old freelance writer, trolley dolly and friends of the stars. View more of my work at manchestergossip.com. If you have a writing opportunity or you're looking for a unique and fresh talent email email@example.com
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
After the success of "Come Fly With Me" I thought I’d give you a few more real confessions of a long haul low cost airline...
These tales are all based on true events that happened at just one airline.
After the success of Come Fly With Me by the geniuses’ that are Matt Lucas and David Walliams I thought I’d give you a few more real confessions to what goes on at a long haul low cost airline. You might then see that Matt and David’s new creation isn’t as far fetched, as it seems.
Two infants running up and down the aisle whilst trying to pour tea and coffee. Their mother refuses to tell them to sit down so we phone the captain and ask him to put the fasten seat belt sign on. We announce that we are expecting some light turbulence, this obviously doesn’t materialize and the seatbelt sign goes off as soon as the meal service is finished.
‘Ladies and gentleman due to a technical fault there will be no in-flight entertainment on todays 13 hour trip from Manchester to Cape Town, we apologize for the inconvenience and we assure you it will be fixed for your return journey.’ What we really wanted to say was ‘Sorry guys but the TVs aren’t working again. They haven’t done for the last few months as the aircraft isn’t on the ground long enough to get fixed and the owner is a tight arse which is also the reason that 3 of the ovens aren’t working and two of the toilets, the call bells, reading lights and your individual air vents, but please be rest assured that the aircraft is structurally sound and that the engineer himself assured me that the wing is completely safe after they used two rolls of sellotape and a full packet of HubbaBuba to secure it.’
‘I’m very sorry madam but unfortunately they didn’t put Vodka on our duty free carts today.’ Previous to this the crew emptied some large water bottles and filled them using the vodka miniatures onboard the aircraft then put them in their crew bags ready for a party in Toronto.
Ladies and gentleman we hope you’ve enjoyed your flight with us today as much as we have enjoyed taking you for a ride.’
‘Ladies and gentleman unfortunately we do have a little problem with our inflight catering today as we have no knives and folks onboard. Todays meal is sausage, peas and mash which we invite you to indulge in using your drinks stirrer. Your inflight meal was freshly prepared for you last month and has been cooked to perfection after being stored in the deep freeze in the cockroach infested aircraft hanger. Bon ape tie ’
‘Once again we’d like to apologize that our toilets are out of service, however if you are desperate to go before we touch down in Manchester in just under 9 hours time we do invite you to piss in the sink.’
‘Ladies and gentleman welcome aboard our direct flight from London Stanstead to Toronto Hamilton International airport calling at Newcastle and Edinburgh. We’d like to apologize for the slight 5 hour delay but we do aim to make up at least 10 minutes when we’ve closed the aircraft doors and get on our way in approximately 3 hours time.’
‘Ladies and gentleman welcome to Orlando Stanford International airport where we have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is whilst we have been in the air the airline has gone bust and therefore you’ll have to find your own way home. The good news however is that the crew have left the duty free carts open in the galley for you to help yourself. Happy holidays.’