Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Dear Blanche... Part Two


Dear Blanche...

My boyfriend snores every single night, extremely loud and deep.
I've put up with it for way over a year now and I can't do much more. I wake every morning with a headache because of it and don't sleep very well throughout the nights due to it too.

Were both wondering if you know how to overcome it, if that’s even possible? BTW, he does have asthma so that could be partly the reason too.

Emma, Rochdale.


Dear Emma,
I myself have suffered with this very problem in the past with a former suitor. I found a pillow over the face worked impeccably. I did undergo a lawsuit shortly afterwards but no jury in the land could imprison me once they found his Vanessa Feltz fan club membership.

Alternatively you could try the far less risky option of divorce. Keep me updated on your decision,

Love Blanche.
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Dear Blanche...

I’m fed up
I’ve been working none stop for weeks, when I’m not working I’m running around after my partner doing the dishes, ironing bedding and his shirts for the week. It’s like on Saturday I spent all day gutting out the kitchen cleaning and rearranging the cupboards, he couldn’t even be arsed to make a stir fry for tea so I had to do it. I’ve done so much washing for days and cleared the basket on my two days off he’s over filled it again, all that’s in there of mine is my pants and a pair of jeans. And to top it all I’m suffering a bad case of PMT.

Sarah, Essex.

Firstly Sarah I wasn’t aware that hermaphrodites could have PMT, maybe the stress your experiencing is from the constant strain of having to scrub the words ‘Satan’s child’ and ‘LadyBoy’ off your front door every morning and not a hormonal imbalance as you suggest.

Instead of complaining about your boyfriend I insist you to take a leaf out of his book, or should that be a pair of boxers out of his draw as it’s clear to me that you have no undergarments of your own. Oh dear one is having flashing images of what can only be described as a crusty gusset.

I would suggest getting a cleaner immediately, I can’t bare the thought of anyone living in filth; living in a trailer as I assume you do is no excuse. This would solve your problems all round, she could tidy up after your boyfriend whilst you focus your time on rinsing out your piss stained bloomers. Maybe you could borrow her bleach and brillo pad and give yourself a good scrub too as I’m sure I can smell you from my pent house, or is that Primark?

Forever Superior,

Blanche.
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Dear Blanche...

I have been dating my boyfriend for around 3 months now, and I’m beginning to think he has a few issues...
I left my last long term boyfriend in around December then started "seeing" my current boyfriend in late Dec-Jan. I had worked with him previously for a number of months and had decided I liked him a lot. However during the time I split up from my ex and started "seeing" my current boyfriend I had a one-night stand and regretted it allot. My current boyfriend who I will call Mark, found out from a friend, but at the time he wasn’t that bothered, as we weren’t officially going out.

He is going to Ibiza with his friends in around 2 weeks; this is also on my mind and is causing extra pressure on our relationship because I’m worried he might do something stupid.

Mark is quite shy and sensitive, and needs constant reassurance. When there is something wrong with me and I’m feeling a bit fed up I feel as though I cant tell him because he will automatically go on the defense and think he’s done something wrong. I just need help on how to make our relationship work, because I really like him, he just has really bad trust issues I think.

Holly, Whitefield.

Dear Holly,

I can’t imagine why your boyfriend would have trust issues, maybe it’s because you’ve dropped your knickers for the first man with a white stick who’s come along? Maybe your boyfriend wasn’t that bothered about your infidelity as he was glad to be rid of you for the night, either that or he doesn’t class bestiality as cheating.

It sounds like you had quite a nice start to your relationship, meeting each other at work; I can only imagine that your eyes met and locked as you both stood and flipped burgers.

Now you can’t go jumping to conclusions that just because he’s going to Ibiza he’s going to cheat on you with a girl in revenge for your betrayal. That would be very naive of you; he’s much more likely to cheat on you with lots of girls, quite possibly a different one every night. As for him being quite shy and needing constant reassurance it’s surprising what wonders a few shots of cheap sambucca can do for the confidence. I have no doubt that he’ll get over his self-esteem issues by the first night of his holiday.

It’s clear that you obviously want to make this relationship work, may I suggest that you stop being such a miserable cow, this might even stop him from fleeing the county. It sounds in all honesty that he’s not very interested in you, who can blame him? You should get yourself a new hobby to appeal to him more, ever that or invest in some heavy duty ropes and chains to stop him from escaping, I think that’s the only way you’ll keep him.

Good luck…. NEXT…..


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Dear Blanche...

I just need some help and advice...
I have been involved with my current partner for about 5 years. I met him when I was 21 and very naïve, I am 26 now; he is much, much older.

I would like to end my relationship but I don’t know how too. I have however tried many times but have learnt it is best for me not to (to avoid shouting and anger). He has said to me in the past that if I want to leave I can, but I won’t get a penny out of him to support our daughter (he’s got money).

Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining as I have a good standard of life but I feel as a woman I am dying and can’t take this anymore.

Leona, Whythenshawe.

Dear Leona,

I am surprised at your dilemma, I wasn’t aware there was any wealthy men in Wythenshawe, I’ve been shocked to the very core. However, after sending Jeeves to get me gin n tonic, hold the tonic, I feel suitably calmed to respond to your cries for help.

I have to say you are far from naïve, I have no doubt that your 21-year-old self saw pounds signs when you first looked at the man, it certainly wasn’t his catheter bag or his pissed stained pants. I have no doubt your main concern is having to perform fellatio on a Viagra enhanced 70 year old cock, although I think you knew what you were getting into I do sympathize. I suggest next time you tell him to use his false teeth and suck his own dick.

You say you are dying as a woman, you have the situation all wrong; you should kill the man instead. Of course ending a relationship will cause arguments and anger, I understand you not wanting your daughter to hear the arguments too. I suggest a subtle and humane way of ending the relationship; loosening some bolts on his Stena stair lift or putting him in the bath with his electric blanket should do the trick.

I would also advised to double check that his money is being left to you, if not I suggest you practice forging his signature. You should also invest in a heavy black vail to disguise your beaming smile at his graveside.

Love always

Blanche.

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Dear Blanche...

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my father. 
I tried to apply for Jeremy Kyle but was sadly rejected, as they frown upon literate people. I hope you are able to help me with my situation: How should I confront them? What will my mother say on discovering her husband of 21 years is bi curious or maybe even homosexual? Please help me, as I fear if the situation does not improve soon, suicide may be my only option.

I don’t deal with Jeremy Kylie’s rejects. NEXT!!
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