Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Dear Blanche.... Part 3


Dear Blanche...

I wanked so hard I ripped my foreskin.
Its sooo painful, but I am too embarrassed to go to doctor as this happened over gay porn. My girlfriend is repulsed as my willy now looks hideous and deformed. This adds to the smallness which i am already very selfconscience about. Please help me with this issue. i'm begging you!! Matt

Well Matt from 98 Thornbury Ave, Whitefield, Greater Manchester, your secret is safe with me. However, please don’t beg, I already have people camping out at my front door begging for a glimpse of my greatness, I don’t need any more. It touches me that I can offer some guidance to a pathetic human being like you. Well that and the fact I think it’s about time I replaced that Denise Roberts bitch on This Morning, her softly, softly approach gets on my perfectly formed man tits.

I’d like to offer you some words of comfort regarding the size of your penis, like it’s not the size that matters it’s how you use it, however I’d be lying. I’d be very surprised if your girlfriend wasn’t cheating on you with Pedro from the local Italian or at the very least a mechanical device.

You really shouldn’t put off going to the doctors; you really need to get it sorted before you get a nasty infection. I would recommend a trip to the Embarrassing Bodies clinic; Dr Christian is very empathetic, he was ever so courteous when I went to see him after I got a marigold stuck up my anus. You see I was just up my stepladders cleaning my Victorian style sash window when I lost balance and fell awkwardly onto my banister where I had placed my marigold to dry off. He would treat you very professionally, plus we could all do with a good laugh at the size of you manhood, or lack of.

Love always, Mikie.

P.S I’d be very grateful if you could tell me which porn site you were exciting yourself to, for research purposes.
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Dear Blanche...

I need your help asap!
I've got a hot date tonite wiv a guy i met on the net. Being so excited and nervous while texting one of my girlfriends asking what i should wear i.e Bridget Jones spandex knickers to hold in my flab and disguise my camel toe under carridge or my one pair of agent provocteur sexy thongs in case i get lucky! And iv gone and sent him the txt by mistake!! Help!
Marjorie Xx

Marjorie, Firstly may I suggest a surgeon to sort out your undercarriage? There are many who offer amazing deals on designer vaginas, and although I haven’t been near one myself I’m assured from my heterosexual brothers that the hermaphrodite look still isn’t widely accepted, if at all. It’s a good job you have legs as I’m sure you’d otherwise leave a slugs trial. One can only hope you don’t have a coil fitted; I fear you may pick up some HD channels.

There may be an underlying problem here as you are obviously desperate enough to meet a man from the internet, maybe you suffer from low self-esteem or you could just be vomit inducingly ugly as a result of being the love child of Sooty and Pepa Pig. Either way a pair of Agent Provocateur thongs aren’t going to solve your problem, and guessing by the size of your backside one would suspect they’d act like cheese wire next to your tree trunks.

Now I shouldn’t really say this, I know I am the last resort before calling Jeremy Kyle but maybe you should give him a go. His trusty sidekick Graham could sort out your self-esteem issues whilst you sort out your dating problems by pretending to be on an episode of Blind Date. With a bit of luck there might be a young lad on there from the same council estate that you’ve obviously crawled out from. Do people from council estates have computers? Must research that, or phone the police.

One final thing Marjorie, remember to be safe whilst out on blind dates. Men you meet online aren’t often who they say they are. Keeping this in mind you must tell a family member or friend where you’re going and what time you can be expected back, just incase they turn out to be a mass murderer… On second thoughts, keep it to yourself.

Love Always, Mikie
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Dear Blanche...

STD's
I'm afraid my boyfriend is having sex with my mum. It's not that I'm jealous, but I know she's got an STD and now I dont feel like having jiggy jiggy any more. What can I do Mikie ? Oh and by the way, my nan thinks your'e gorgeous xxx Sophie

Firstly Sophie please thank your nan for having such stupendous taste. She’s obviously a lady with class. Secondly have you thought of having botox? It’s clear to me that if your fella would rather wave his wand in your mother’s Albert Hall than touch you with a shitty stick that you probably are in need of some work.

I’ve seen this problem many times, you probably thought that appearing as an extra in Fraggle Rock would make you more appealing to your boyfriend as you took the first steps on the ladder to becoming a Z-list celebrity. Unfortunately I can’t help but think your time would have been better spent on Extreme Makeover, I told Vanessa Feltz the very same thing.

It could just be that your boyfriend is into MILFs, therefor may I suggest getting pregnant to him ensuring you plenty of sex in 9 months time. If you can’t get him into bed to get you up the duff there are lots of websites out there that sell gay men’s sperm at very reasonable prices. Thus ensuring you get a very witty and well-dressed child in the process, something no doubt your family of inbreds wouldn't have seen before.

Lastly Sophie I feel it is my duty to inform you that hemorrhoids aren’t an STD, well not unless they’re actually warts she’s got off your boyfriends riddled cock.

Love always, Mikie.
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