Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Another Date, Another Dilemma


Scared into my memory is the mishap of burning my flaps with Veet the last time I went on a date. The amount of body grooming to feel good about myself before going on a date starts with 7 days preparation. With this in mind it was with great trepidation that I decided to put my down my Take A Break, even though I was in the middle of a fascinating article about a lady who breast feeds her chickens, turn off Jeremy Kyle and get back into the dating game.

First on my hit list was a lad I met at Manchester Pride, a little younger than I normally go for, plus he was wearing earrings, not the Pat Butcher type but the I’m going to twat you round the head with a baseball bat type and steel your wallet Elizabeth Duke style earring. Placing my prejudgment of said earrings aside, although I’m sure a few of you would have been turned on at such an image, we went on a date. This was followed by drinksnsnax round at my house the following Saturday. All had a lovely time, I say ALL as my friend Leona gatecrashed, she had heard about the earrings and was worried about a similar description on the previous evening’s episode of Crime Watch when the delicious Rav had described a crime where a pensioner had been battered to death by a rubber penis shaped douche.

Just when I thought the date was going swimmingly said boy fell asleep and refused to wake up before being dragged upstairs and thrown onto a mattress to sleep of his Southern Comfort induced coma. Myself and Leona carried on having a lovely time, at one point we used said boy as a coffee table balancing our Veuve on him as we polished off our Beyoncé routine. Unfortunately Leona can never seem to get the last twirl right, I put this down to her epilepsy.

Despite the coma I did have a lovely evening, unfortunately the boy didn’t think the same and we weren’t to see each other again. I can only assume he wasn’t impressed by my evenings choice of snax or he felt uncomfortable in my Laura Ashley decorated home as I can assure you I kept the conversation stimulating at all times. But then again I don’t suppose everyone feels as strongly about euthanasia as I do. It couldn’t possibly have been me whispering into his ear ‘there’s no time to be a lady, just drop your fucking knickers,’ for his lack of communication. Not a chat up line I prefer to use but the first one that came into my mind after being pep talked by my friend Germaine earlier that day. I should have known not to listen to her, after all she does have a criminal record for indecent exposure – she had to be dragged down from sitting on top of the Blackpool tower in the great storm of ’98.

Deciding not to dwell on the rejection from my search for a suitor I picked myself up and decided to organize a date that very same day to find my next victim via the help of plentyoffish.com. Again I opted for a younger man, not what I normally go for but time was running out and I didn’t fancy a night in watching reruns of Cilla Black’s Surprise Surprise, I’m emotionally unstable at the best of times and that program has the tendency to force me into a diabetic coma after comfort eating my way through three tubs of double choc Ben & Jerrys – now that is a threesome I like to have several times a week, it’s cheap yet classy and doesn’t stain the sheets.

Discretion is my middle name so let’s call my date Chris, because that’s his name. Describing himself as a down to earth 21 year old who’s friendly and fun I thought I’d be in for a lovely evening as I sipped my Bacardi Breezer awaiting his arrival. 

Just then a figure walked through the door that had some resemblance to a picture I had been shown earlier that day, I now assumed the picture was taken from some distance and through a dirty lens.  As the figure went straight to the bar I turned and smiled, there was suddenly an awkward moment where I thought do I stay and see this through or do I fake a seizure and run for my life. Being a good Christian I decided to stay.

As I studied his receding hair line and thinking to myself if he’s 21 I’m Mother Teresa I was greeted by his words (as he put a Primark bag on the table, imagine the horror) 'I thought who's that fucking prick looking at, then I realized it was you, you look fuck all like your profile pic, your much better in the flesh, I've just been to Primark to buy a few ties, I'm going to a funeral tomorrow.' It was in that very moment I knew the seizure would have been the better option.

Downing my Bacardi I ran to the bar to grab a triple vodka in the hope of numbing my ears from his rambling of his reminiscing of how his uncle had been in a car crash and ended up a ‘retard.’ This was shortly followed by how he was ‘hated at work but don’t give a fuck as I’d take them all on.’ He did seem very impressed by his job as a call center agent for a well-known insurance company; no doubt it is a very good vocation for such an ameba.

As I returned from the toilet I made an excuse of how I had just been called to work and would have to leave in the next few minutes to go and work a flight to Greece, I told him I wouldn’t just leave him to finish his pint on his own – I’m ever the gentleman, even in adversity. The following was the longest 15 minutes of my life as he slowly dripped his full pint into his mouth, even with subtle hints such as gazing into space, looking at my watch and finally pulling out my car keys didn’t hurry him along one little bit.

Arriving home I felt ever so cheap, I felt the urge to shower with bleach and brillo pad, not before I had deleted my profile on the dating site and blocking any others from being assessable. Just as I sat down and recovered with a Gin and Tonic, without the tonic, my phone bleeped – “THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING, LET’S DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME”

I give up. 

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Dear Blanche.... Part 3


Dear Blanche...

I wanked so hard I ripped my foreskin.
Its sooo painful, but I am too embarrassed to go to doctor as this happened over gay porn. My girlfriend is repulsed as my willy now looks hideous and deformed. This adds to the smallness which i am already very selfconscience about. Please help me with this issue. i'm begging you!! Matt

Well Matt from 98 Thornbury Ave, Whitefield, Greater Manchester, your secret is safe with me. However, please don’t beg, I already have people camping out at my front door begging for a glimpse of my greatness, I don’t need any more. It touches me that I can offer some guidance to a pathetic human being like you. Well that and the fact I think it’s about time I replaced that Denise Roberts bitch on This Morning, her softly, softly approach gets on my perfectly formed man tits.

I’d like to offer you some words of comfort regarding the size of your penis, like it’s not the size that matters it’s how you use it, however I’d be lying. I’d be very surprised if your girlfriend wasn’t cheating on you with Pedro from the local Italian or at the very least a mechanical device.

You really shouldn’t put off going to the doctors; you really need to get it sorted before you get a nasty infection. I would recommend a trip to the Embarrassing Bodies clinic; Dr Christian is very empathetic, he was ever so courteous when I went to see him after I got a marigold stuck up my anus. You see I was just up my stepladders cleaning my Victorian style sash window when I lost balance and fell awkwardly onto my banister where I had placed my marigold to dry off. He would treat you very professionally, plus we could all do with a good laugh at the size of you manhood, or lack of.

Love always, Mikie.

P.S I’d be very grateful if you could tell me which porn site you were exciting yourself to, for research purposes.
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Dear Blanche...

I need your help asap!
I've got a hot date tonite wiv a guy i met on the net. Being so excited and nervous while texting one of my girlfriends asking what i should wear i.e Bridget Jones spandex knickers to hold in my flab and disguise my camel toe under carridge or my one pair of agent provocteur sexy thongs in case i get lucky! And iv gone and sent him the txt by mistake!! Help!
Marjorie Xx

Marjorie, Firstly may I suggest a surgeon to sort out your undercarriage? There are many who offer amazing deals on designer vaginas, and although I haven’t been near one myself I’m assured from my heterosexual brothers that the hermaphrodite look still isn’t widely accepted, if at all. It’s a good job you have legs as I’m sure you’d otherwise leave a slugs trial. One can only hope you don’t have a coil fitted; I fear you may pick up some HD channels.

There may be an underlying problem here as you are obviously desperate enough to meet a man from the internet, maybe you suffer from low self-esteem or you could just be vomit inducingly ugly as a result of being the love child of Sooty and Pepa Pig. Either way a pair of Agent Provocateur thongs aren’t going to solve your problem, and guessing by the size of your backside one would suspect they’d act like cheese wire next to your tree trunks.

Now I shouldn’t really say this, I know I am the last resort before calling Jeremy Kyle but maybe you should give him a go. His trusty sidekick Graham could sort out your self-esteem issues whilst you sort out your dating problems by pretending to be on an episode of Blind Date. With a bit of luck there might be a young lad on there from the same council estate that you’ve obviously crawled out from. Do people from council estates have computers? Must research that, or phone the police.

One final thing Marjorie, remember to be safe whilst out on blind dates. Men you meet online aren’t often who they say they are. Keeping this in mind you must tell a family member or friend where you’re going and what time you can be expected back, just incase they turn out to be a mass murderer… On second thoughts, keep it to yourself.

Love Always, Mikie
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Dear Blanche...

STD's
I'm afraid my boyfriend is having sex with my mum. It's not that I'm jealous, but I know she's got an STD and now I dont feel like having jiggy jiggy any more. What can I do Mikie ? Oh and by the way, my nan thinks your'e gorgeous xxx Sophie

Firstly Sophie please thank your nan for having such stupendous taste. She’s obviously a lady with class. Secondly have you thought of having botox? It’s clear to me that if your fella would rather wave his wand in your mother’s Albert Hall than touch you with a shitty stick that you probably are in need of some work.

I’ve seen this problem many times, you probably thought that appearing as an extra in Fraggle Rock would make you more appealing to your boyfriend as you took the first steps on the ladder to becoming a Z-list celebrity. Unfortunately I can’t help but think your time would have been better spent on Extreme Makeover, I told Vanessa Feltz the very same thing.

It could just be that your boyfriend is into MILFs, therefor may I suggest getting pregnant to him ensuring you plenty of sex in 9 months time. If you can’t get him into bed to get you up the duff there are lots of websites out there that sell gay men’s sperm at very reasonable prices. Thus ensuring you get a very witty and well-dressed child in the process, something no doubt your family of inbreds wouldn't have seen before.

Lastly Sophie I feel it is my duty to inform you that hemorrhoids aren’t an STD, well not unless they’re actually warts she’s got off your boyfriends riddled cock.

Love always, Mikie.
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Dear Blanche... Part Two


Dear Blanche...

My boyfriend snores every single night, extremely loud and deep.
I've put up with it for way over a year now and I can't do much more. I wake every morning with a headache because of it and don't sleep very well throughout the nights due to it too.

Were both wondering if you know how to overcome it, if that’s even possible? BTW, he does have asthma so that could be partly the reason too.

Emma, Rochdale.


Dear Emma,
I myself have suffered with this very problem in the past with a former suitor. I found a pillow over the face worked impeccably. I did undergo a lawsuit shortly afterwards but no jury in the land could imprison me once they found his Vanessa Feltz fan club membership.

Alternatively you could try the far less risky option of divorce. Keep me updated on your decision,

Love Blanche.
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Dear Blanche...

I’m fed up
I’ve been working none stop for weeks, when I’m not working I’m running around after my partner doing the dishes, ironing bedding and his shirts for the week. It’s like on Saturday I spent all day gutting out the kitchen cleaning and rearranging the cupboards, he couldn’t even be arsed to make a stir fry for tea so I had to do it. I’ve done so much washing for days and cleared the basket on my two days off he’s over filled it again, all that’s in there of mine is my pants and a pair of jeans. And to top it all I’m suffering a bad case of PMT.

Sarah, Essex.

Firstly Sarah I wasn’t aware that hermaphrodites could have PMT, maybe the stress your experiencing is from the constant strain of having to scrub the words ‘Satan’s child’ and ‘LadyBoy’ off your front door every morning and not a hormonal imbalance as you suggest.

Instead of complaining about your boyfriend I insist you to take a leaf out of his book, or should that be a pair of boxers out of his draw as it’s clear to me that you have no undergarments of your own. Oh dear one is having flashing images of what can only be described as a crusty gusset.

I would suggest getting a cleaner immediately, I can’t bare the thought of anyone living in filth; living in a trailer as I assume you do is no excuse. This would solve your problems all round, she could tidy up after your boyfriend whilst you focus your time on rinsing out your piss stained bloomers. Maybe you could borrow her bleach and brillo pad and give yourself a good scrub too as I’m sure I can smell you from my pent house, or is that Primark?

Forever Superior,

Blanche.
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Dear Blanche...

I have been dating my boyfriend for around 3 months now, and I’m beginning to think he has a few issues...
I left my last long term boyfriend in around December then started "seeing" my current boyfriend in late Dec-Jan. I had worked with him previously for a number of months and had decided I liked him a lot. However during the time I split up from my ex and started "seeing" my current boyfriend I had a one-night stand and regretted it allot. My current boyfriend who I will call Mark, found out from a friend, but at the time he wasn’t that bothered, as we weren’t officially going out.

He is going to Ibiza with his friends in around 2 weeks; this is also on my mind and is causing extra pressure on our relationship because I’m worried he might do something stupid.

Mark is quite shy and sensitive, and needs constant reassurance. When there is something wrong with me and I’m feeling a bit fed up I feel as though I cant tell him because he will automatically go on the defense and think he’s done something wrong. I just need help on how to make our relationship work, because I really like him, he just has really bad trust issues I think.

Holly, Whitefield.

Dear Holly,

I can’t imagine why your boyfriend would have trust issues, maybe it’s because you’ve dropped your knickers for the first man with a white stick who’s come along? Maybe your boyfriend wasn’t that bothered about your infidelity as he was glad to be rid of you for the night, either that or he doesn’t class bestiality as cheating.

It sounds like you had quite a nice start to your relationship, meeting each other at work; I can only imagine that your eyes met and locked as you both stood and flipped burgers.

Now you can’t go jumping to conclusions that just because he’s going to Ibiza he’s going to cheat on you with a girl in revenge for your betrayal. That would be very naive of you; he’s much more likely to cheat on you with lots of girls, quite possibly a different one every night. As for him being quite shy and needing constant reassurance it’s surprising what wonders a few shots of cheap sambucca can do for the confidence. I have no doubt that he’ll get over his self-esteem issues by the first night of his holiday.

It’s clear that you obviously want to make this relationship work, may I suggest that you stop being such a miserable cow, this might even stop him from fleeing the county. It sounds in all honesty that he’s not very interested in you, who can blame him? You should get yourself a new hobby to appeal to him more, ever that or invest in some heavy duty ropes and chains to stop him from escaping, I think that’s the only way you’ll keep him.

Good luck…. NEXT…..


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Dear Blanche...

I just need some help and advice...
I have been involved with my current partner for about 5 years. I met him when I was 21 and very naïve, I am 26 now; he is much, much older.

I would like to end my relationship but I don’t know how too. I have however tried many times but have learnt it is best for me not to (to avoid shouting and anger). He has said to me in the past that if I want to leave I can, but I won’t get a penny out of him to support our daughter (he’s got money).

Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining as I have a good standard of life but I feel as a woman I am dying and can’t take this anymore.

Leona, Whythenshawe.

Dear Leona,

I am surprised at your dilemma, I wasn’t aware there was any wealthy men in Wythenshawe, I’ve been shocked to the very core. However, after sending Jeeves to get me gin n tonic, hold the tonic, I feel suitably calmed to respond to your cries for help.

I have to say you are far from naïve, I have no doubt that your 21-year-old self saw pounds signs when you first looked at the man, it certainly wasn’t his catheter bag or his pissed stained pants. I have no doubt your main concern is having to perform fellatio on a Viagra enhanced 70 year old cock, although I think you knew what you were getting into I do sympathize. I suggest next time you tell him to use his false teeth and suck his own dick.

You say you are dying as a woman, you have the situation all wrong; you should kill the man instead. Of course ending a relationship will cause arguments and anger, I understand you not wanting your daughter to hear the arguments too. I suggest a subtle and humane way of ending the relationship; loosening some bolts on his Stena stair lift or putting him in the bath with his electric blanket should do the trick.

I would also advised to double check that his money is being left to you, if not I suggest you practice forging his signature. You should also invest in a heavy black vail to disguise your beaming smile at his graveside.

Love always

Blanche.

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Dear Blanche...

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my father. 
I tried to apply for Jeremy Kyle but was sadly rejected, as they frown upon literate people. I hope you are able to help me with my situation: How should I confront them? What will my mother say on discovering her husband of 21 years is bi curious or maybe even homosexual? Please help me, as I fear if the situation does not improve soon, suicide may be my only option.

I don’t deal with Jeremy Kylie’s rejects. NEXT!!
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