Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Happy Flyting.

After the success of Come Fly With Me by the geniuses’ that are Matt Lucas and David Walliams I thought I’d give you a few more real confessions to what goes on at a long haul low cost airline. You might then see that Matt and David’s new creation isn’t as far fetched, as it seems. These tales are all based on true events that happened at just one airline.
  • ·      Two infants running up and down the aisle whilst trying to pour tea and coffee. Their mother refuses to tell them to sit down so we phone the captain and ask him to put the fasten seat belt sign on. We announce that we are expecting some light turbulence, this obviously doesn’t materialize and the seatbelt sign goes off as soon as the meal service is finished.
  • ·       ‘Ladies and gentleman due to a technical fault there will be no in-flight entertainment on todays 13 hour trip from Manchester to Cape Town, we apologize for the inconvenience and we assure you it will be fixed for your return journey.’ What we really wanted to say was ‘Sorry guys but the TVs aren’t working again. They haven’t done for the last few months as the aircraft isn’t on the ground long enough to get fixed and the owner is a tight arse which is also the reason that 3 of the ovens aren’t working and two of the toilets, the call bells, reading lights and your individual air vents, but please be rest assured that the aircraft is structurally sound and that the engineer himself assured me that the wing is completely safe after they used two rolls of sellotape and a full packet of HubbaBuba to secure it.’
  • ·      ‘I’m very sorry madam but unfortunately they didn’t put Vodka on our duty free carts today.’ Previous to this the crew emptied some large water bottles and filled them using the vodka miniatures onboard the aircraft then put them in their crew bags ready for a party in Toronto.
  • ·      ‘Ladies and gentleman we hope you’ve enjoyed your flight with us today as much as we have enjoyed taking you for a ride.’
  • ·      ‘Ladies and gentleman unfortunately we do have a little problem with our inflight catering today as we have no knives and folks onboard. Todays meal is sausage, peas and mash which we invite you to indulge in using your drinks stirrer. Your inflight meal was freshly prepared for you last month and has been cooked to perfection after being stored in the deep freeze in the cockroach infested aircraft hanger. Bon ape tie ’
  • ·      ‘Once again we’d like to apologize that our toilets are out of service, however if you are desperate to go before we touch down in Manchester in just under 9 hours time we do invite you to piss in the sink.’
  • ·      ‘Ladies and gentleman welcome aboard our direct flight from London Stanstead to Toronto Hamilton International airport calling at Newcastle and Edinburgh. We’d like to apologize for the slight 5 hour delay but we do aim to make up at least 10 minutes when we’ve closed the aircraft doors and get on our way in approximately 3 hours time.’
  • ·      ‘Ladies and gentleman welcome to Orlando Stanford International airport where we have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is whilst we have been in the air the airline has gone bust and therefore you’ll have to find your own way home. The good news however is that the crew have left the duty free carts open in the galley for you to help yourself. Happy holidays.’

Until next time, Happy Flyting!

Married Mondays

I was introduced to this term not so long ago. If like me you don’t have a clue what it means I’ll tell you. It is the day of the week that the cattle market for cock, otherwise known as Gaydar, is full of married men who are desperate for little man on man ass play after being stuck with their wives all weekend.

The friend who informed me of this was shell shocked that I wasn’t interested in having any hands near me that had been knuckle deep in lady bits the day before.  For him bagging a straight man was the pinnacle of his sexual fantasies, to me it would make my cock go limper quicker than a straight man flicking through a wank mag to find Vanessa Feltz was the center spread.

However, he is obviously not the only one who finds sex with a straight man a turn on. It is no secret to you, my lovely readers, that I’ve been stuck down on an army base for the last 4 months surrounded by some very hot squaddies in the Falkland and Ascension Islands. To me they are just objects that are very nice to look at, but to some of my fellow gay crewmembers they are the forbidden fruit, the object of all their desire.

Maybe I am the odd one out, you see I always knew I was gay from an early age and I never experimented with a woman. I had no need to, besides I’m hardly straight acting and I’m yet to find a woman who thinks my knowledge of STEPS dance routines are alluring. Although for the record I do a lovely rendition of ‘One For Sorrow.’ In fact I didn’t see a ladies’ ‘starfish’ until I was 22; I was down in Cape Town with work playing a game of truth or dare. I can honestly say the experience scared me for life. I had no idea that women had to pack a full hanging basket into their nickers.

I also found it disgusting after having that conversation with my ex boyfriends, all 29 of them, to find out they have slept with a women. It just makes me feel physically sick, I fail to see them in the same light as myself as a thoroughbred gay. This my friends is why I just can’t find a straight man alluring, knowing they have……*vomits at the thought*

It also can’t just be me who thinks that a man can’t call himself ‘straight’ if they are sleeping with another man. I think the terms liar, cheater and bastard would suit them more, I’m sure their wives would agree with me on that one. I’m sorry to ruin your fantasy boys but one of my good gay male friends was married and has two kids. He too cheated on his wife with a man. I wonder if that man thought it was a turn on to sleep with a ‘straight man.’ If only he could see my friend now who has swapped his lager for gin and tonic, his career as a landlord for a career as a trolley dolly and love for his wife into the love of cock.

Ladies and gays, I rest my case.

Straight Acting

Straight Acting.

Is it just me or is the term ‘straight acting’ taking over the gay community? Having a little nosy on Gaydar, just to pass some time whilst I’m down here in the obis, otherwise known as the Falklands, I couldn’t help but notice every other profile stated that the person’s perfect partner would be ‘straight acting.’
I understand that we all have our own likes and dislikes including the types of men we find attractive, but this particular phrase really gets on my moobs. It infuriates me more than the talentless tit Holly Wiloughby presenting This Morning. She has ruined that show for me.

My reason is this: if it weren’t for the camp and slightly eccentric men of days gone by who marched for our rites as gay men, we would all still be visiting under ground bars and leading double lives (just like they still do in the Middle East). In my opinion these brave souls were real men, they were arrested for simply falling in love, harassed every day by the police, ‘outed’ in the press and segregated from the rest of society who deemed them sinful sodomisers.

Without discrimination laws to protect our previous friends of Dorothy, they lost their jobs with no union to protect or defend them as soon as their employers had a hint of their sexuality. If you’d like to know exactly what I am talking about, and why I would never buy a copy of the Daily Mail, I recommend you watch the very moving and informative movie Milk and the Channel 4 docudrama A Very British Sex Scandal, which you can watch either on YouTube or 4OD.  

So next time you write on your profile that you’re looking for straight acting males, ask yourself if you have the balls to stand up and look diversity in the face and challenge it head on. And remember this, Gaydar, GayTimes, Attitude, and all the other gay blogs and publications out there would not exist if it weren’t for our very camp and very brave predecessors.  Nor would you be able to be so open as to post on a website that your perfect man is a straight acting bear who is into glory holes, fisting and anal bleaching.

Now excuse me whilst I go and iron my white vest top and sequin pants whilst I dance around to Girls Aloud and sip a gin and tonic before I mince into town embracing my inner campness and dance atrociously on a podium at a club of my choice. 

Canal St - Boom or Bust

Canal Street: Boom or Bust

It would be fair to say that our lovely Gay village has gone a bit stale of late. In fact its demise started a few years. The venues started to get stale; the drink prices went down and started to attract undesirables, mentioning no names, Manto. I mean really what were they thinking letting people go through the door in tracksuit bottoms, Rockport and genuine Elizabeth Duke? Don’t get me wrong I recognize that scallies need a place to socialize but why can’t they stick to Jeremy Kylie or Strangeways?

Perhaps my biggest hate at the moment in the Gay Village has to be AXM. I remember the nice days when it use to be on Canal St, it had a very strict gay door policy and attracted rather nice clientele. Unfortunately they took over Hollywood Showbar, which use to be one of my favorite camp pastimes. In order to fill the venue they opened up the door to everyone and ruined it as a nice and safe gay venue, turning it into Jeremy Kylies after show party.

Just this week Parlor Bar has closed it’s door as has my old favorite Spirit, both falling victim to the recession (are we still in one?) and declared ‘last orders’ for the final time. I can’t imagine Spirit being greatly missed, it was once my favorite bar but like the other bars on that side of the street fell victim to its own greed of opening up the venue to everyone.

It’s not all doom and gloom however: the fabulously camp and fun Churchills is undergoing a makeover this February and promises to be more fabulous than one of Miss Kitty Lashes’ frocks. Perhaps the most fabulous turn around has been for Essential, this place will always hold a special place in my heart. It was my first gay club I visited when I was just 16. Dancing whilst wearing sunglasses and sipping an Archer’s alcho-pop I thought I was so cool. I’m happy to say they would no longer let people like my old self through the door.

Essential was the place to be: the queues to get in use to snake around the street, the pop lounge alive with electric sweaty bodies. But somewhere along the line it lost its way, just like Kylie’s Impossible Princess phase. In a bid to resurrect itself it changed names to the appalling Mancunia, whoever thought of that was obviously gurning at the time. Sadly the queues disappeared and before long it closed down.

It seemed like there was no hope left for the once world-class venue. However a fabulous Geordie DJ named Nicksy, better known for Galaxy 102’s morning show Nicksy, Lindsey and Irish Alan, suddenly did for Essential what a little pair of gold sequined hot pants did for Kylie’s career.  Dragging Essential back into its prime, the dance floors were packed once again and the entry queue was back snaking along the street bigger than it had ever been. The music choice was again fabulous, the entrance fees were right for the venue (it had previously rocketed), the pop lounge was now the main arena and perhaps the biggest pull for Essential The Next Generation was to have all the X Factor finalist perform the following week after they left the show.

Essential has certainly once again, 10 years after it first opened, set the standard in the village. It remains to be seen if the other venues will play catch up or if they will continue their sad demise.  But one thing is for sure, as us gays start to socialize in venues we perhaps didn’t once frequent such as Castlefield’s Dukes and the Northern Quarter’s LeMarrs, the venues in the gay village need to play catch up or they too will find themselves saying ‘last orders’ for the final time.