Monday, 25 October 2010

Not Like They Use To Be

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘they don’t make them like they use to,’ and it was just this week I heard myself repeating this phrase, thus rendering me official past it. I thought I was past it anyway, no longer can I go out four nights on a row and not suffer a hangover. I still go out, but by god does my head feel like I’ve just been battered with an angry trannie’s stiletto.

I was referring to the corn-flavored snack, Monster Munch, when I said the above phrase. The beef ones are my flavour of choice, but then you all knew that. My obsession with beef monster munch is like Jordan’s obsession with fame, desperate and cheap. You see they just don’t seem as big as they use to, either the monsters have got smaller or my hands have got bigger.

I then started thinking just what other things aren’t what they use to be like? Top of my list was good old British Television. What ever happened to the days when you could pop you tele on and Cilla Black would come on your box? I use to love Surprise Surprise. I’ll let you into a little secret; I use to dress up in my mum’s dresses when I was 7 and totter around the house in high heels singing the Surprise Surprise theme tune in a scouse accent.

Before I move onto my next topic I would also like to state for the record that I would like to see the following programs brought back to our screens; Challenge Anika, Brookside, Soldier Soldier, London’s Burning, Fat Friends, Smack The Pony, and my channel 5 favorite, Naked Elvis.

Next on my agenda to bring back would be the old cartoons. Quite frankly Pepa Pig gets on my tits and Dora the Explorer is nothing more than a common tart. How else would you explain her waking up in different countries at 7 in the morning? Quite frankly I think it’s disgusting. It should be called Dora’s Walk of Shame and screened post watershed.

Whatever happened to the innocence of Button Moon? And where have the Moomins gone too? I blame the Teletubbies for cheapening kids tv, it’s never fully recovered after Tinky Winkie’s sex tape scandal. My all time favorite kid’s show was Sooty. I think he may have been a great inspiration for me as a child as many men have made me feel like Sooty in my later years.

Next on my hit list has to be pop music. Since Steps vanished all those years ago there hasn’t really been any decent pop music about. Kylie has tried and just about managed to scrape a half decent album together, but let’s face it, she doesn’t give us dance routines we can all copy and perform on a Saturday night after sniffing a bottle of poppers and downing 5 Sambuccas. Where did B*witched disappear to? What happened to all the pop bands that use to grace Smash Hits magazine and Top Of The Pops magazine? What happened to those magazines? The only real decent pop music that has been released in the past 5 years is the amazing Disco Defenders album by Alcazar, and that didn’t even get a proper release.

Last on my list of things that aren’t what they use to be are Prisons and the UK justice system. I know I have ranted about this before but this really gets my back up. I would love to track down the person responsible for making the justice system completely unjustifiable. I would rip his head off, in a public place to gain mass media attention, and then shit in his neck. I have no doubt I would only serve two weeks in a prison that could easily be mistaken for a holiday camp and be made to attend an evening course in papier-mâché. I would then quite possibly be given a new identity and have my mortgage paid for and given enough money to travel to the Costa Del Sol twice a year.

Whilst I remember there is one salvation in the world of television entertainment in days gone by and that is the release of all Victoria Woods work on DVD this month. To celebrate have a browse through her back catalogue on the amazon link box below.

Now before I go if you have anything to add, anything at all that you feel isn’t what it use to be please email your thoughts to The best ones will be added very soon.

Now in the words of my here Sooty, ‘Bye Bye Everybody, Bye Bye.’ 

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