Tuesday, 19 October 2010

I've never been in the army but the army has been in me, part four.


I’ve Never Been In The Army But The Army Has Been In Me, Part 4.

As you all know I like a drink but I am in fact now in fear that my liver is going to give up any minute. This is of course due to the price of the vodka down here in the Falklands. With vodkas at 22p in the Nafi bar you can get pissed on two pound. Although, I think that 22p is taking the piss a little bit, two weeks ago it was only 19p. I blame new labour.

Now I truly believed that there would be no way of me outdoing myself in the humiliation stakes, especially after that unfortunate experience with the sea urgent, however it turned out as I was wrong. My friends will tell you I never drink vodka, it does something funny to me that sends me more psychopathic than a Z list celebrity on a reality tv show, mentioning no names, Vanessa Feltz.
Now I’m not sure if it was all the testosterone in the air from the suqaddies that made me go a little loopy, or the fact that despite me waiting patiently in the showers for six hours for an unsuspecting squaddie to turn up I’d left disappointed and more shrivelled up than Geri Halliwell’s showbiz career. So, I decided to take things into my own hands, literally.

Downing half a bottle of Malibu I thought the appropriate course of action was to pull my senior’s pants down before rubbing his cock.  I wouldn’t call this a particular satisfying sexual experience, would you? This took place just shortly before I had vodka spat in my face and just after I’d vomited from smoking too many fags. The conclusion meant I was still moist but not perhaps in the way I would have liked. It also left me with the niggling feeling that my p46 could be shoved under my cell door at any moment.

Fortunately this happened two days ago and I’m still without my p46, actually, I have just received my roster telling me that I will be down here in the Falklands until way into January and I’ll be spending Christmas and New Year down here. Hopefully they’ll be lots of festive activities, such as the emptying of squaddies’ sacks, full of presents of course, and some festive games such as soggy biscuit (please google for the rules).

I would like to say that I learnt from my intoxicated experience, however this morning I woke up with vomit in my sink and a very scared looking penguin in my room, again.

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