Sunday, 13 June 2010

Confessions of a Dating Dilemma, Part Two

Jean Paul Gautier make up applied I hoisted myself into a little yellow t shirt, even though I know I’m no longer slim enough to wear such articles of clothing. After carefully placing a bulldog clip just above my arse to pull back my love handles I decided I was ready to go. I didn’t plan on taking my t shirt off anyway, I was positive this was just a date and there’d be no funny business, well that and the fact I’ve have stretch marks all over my stomach which looks like I’ve had a tattoo of the A-Z.


Climbing aboard the tram to the other side of town I felt the nerves starting to get me. It didn’t really bother me though as I knew that after a large glass, who am I kidding, after a bottle of Blossom Hill the nerves would subside. Well I wasn’t disappointed when I met this lad; let’s call him Lee, because that’s his name. He was tall and handsome and had an amazing arse; you the not the type I mean, could crack Brazil nuts between perfectly formed cheeks.

Relaxing back at his place he revealed his hot tub in his garden where he’d made plans for us to have a quick dip, I quickly suffered a mild panic attack after realising I didn’t have my tankini to hand. I could also hear the police helicopter over head and was certain I’d make the 6 o clock news after being mistaken for a beached whale. Two hours of small talk later we went for a cig at the back door where he then pounced on the back of my neck, kissing me with such a force that made my knees buckle. It was a lovely time. As you know it’s been a long time since I’ve kissed anyone and this was well worth the wait. It was gentle but passionate, his delicate plumped lips slowly moving from my lips to my neck.

As the steam was rising from my sling backs I took another glug of wine before he suggested going up stairs. Well I didn’t need to be asked twice. I felt an awkward moment as it was revealed we were both wearing the same pair of Aussiebums; his arsed filled his out perfectly, I could only pray that he couldn’t see the scaffolding that was holding mine in place.

You don’t need a running commentary of what happened next, but if you would like one feel free to phone my 0901 number where calls are charged at £1.50 a minute. Well after the bedroom frolics we went back downstairs where I polished off another bottle of wine before getting in the hub tub. Just then he dropped a bombshell ‘I’m not a big drinker.’ It was like a dagger through my heart. I knew immediately it would never work......

Part Three coming tomorrow.

1 comment:

Neil McKenney said...

Funny.....can't wait for part 3!