Friday, 11 June 2010

Confessions of a dating dilemma, part one

Confessions of a dating dilemma
I can’t bare it. It’s true; I’m completely hopeless with anything slightly related to dates or relationships. In fact the slight suggestion that I could possibly meet a suitable suitor sends me into anaphylactic shock. This could quite possibly explain why I haven’t been kissed where I wee in the last 11 months, or anywhere else for that matter.

After a little persuasion from my best friend Nikkie, well I find it hard to say no when I’ve been head locked and there’s a distant smell of petrol wafting over from the shed, I found myself signing up to a dating website. Now I use the term ‘dating’ loosely, it was Gaydar; it’s actually more like a cattle market for cock. Anyway I signed up, using photos that I could actually get sued over due to the trade descriptions act and this is what happened…..

After typing in the Manchester chat room ‘anyone looking for more than just shag?’ I was literally overwhelmed by the one response. As it turned out I actually quite liked this lads profile and personality, before you know it we were chatting on cam on msn and no you dirty bastards, it wasn’t cam sex. We arranged to meet the following day even though I obviously had no intensions of meeting him at all. Anyway, the next morning I got a text asking if I was still up for meeting, surprisingly I found myself biting the gusset and saying ‘yes.'

Now surely it’s not just me who then goes into panic overdrive, just how the fuck was I going to make myself look presentable for my date? Immediate body grooming commenced. Now it would be fair to say I’d somewhat let myself go, in fact the cast of Robin Hood had currently set up residence in my own Sherwood Forrest. Even though I had no intentions with sleeping with him on the first date I thought it would be for the best that I got my lawn morrow out, avec weed killer.

This problem solved, I then turned my attention to my slightly hairy back & bum, now I normally get this waxed but under time restrictions I decided to Veet. Now it is with this experience that I encourage anyone else thinking of doing the same to seriously rethink. After smelling my hair burning I then jumped into the shower to realise that my arse was also burning; a lesson to everyone out there to read the instructions on the label first. Out the shower I caught the site of my now patchy and hairy back in the mirror, however, undeterred I decided to carry on and get ready for the date; my burnt flaps in tow.

More to follow tomorrow……

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Haha!!! I love your honesty and sincerity. Not to mention you are a fabulous writer and make me laugh. Can't wait for tomorrows edition!! C

Hugh said...

I've read it - but i want juicy "tell all" gossip :p

Hugh said...

i admire you writing about your back hair, esp in this preened, body scaped gay world

Neil McKenney said...

loved it, waiting for the next instalment.......

Trish :) said...

I love your honesty its more real and knowing your feelings! the personal bits did make me chuckle on what you did and burning your botty! I cant wait for 2nd part xxx

Thatchapdean said...

how did the date go?

Sophie said...

Brilliantly written, full of humour and honesty. A real joy to read....

Mel Clayton said...

brilliant, how long until the next installment?

Dame Crusty Gusset said...

One still has the teeth marks, poppet!

Anonymous said...

sweetie, the back i can understand - no-one wants that (except those fetish bears types) but the bum- leave it au naturelle, i mean whats a bit of bum fluff between friends? You're a man fergawdssake. Hairy arses are all over the internet!

Jason Shaw said...

nice post dudey. x