Thursday, 20 May 2010

Where is the Class?

Through years of working in the service industry it has come to my attention that just like happy moments in EastEnder’s, people with class in England are becoming extinct. I would just like to point out to the man, dressed in a suit who walked into the restaurant where I worked, who wanted a table for one but proceeded to sit himself down on a table set for eight people that you’re what I call, a pretentious prick. I am all for self confidence and believing in your own capabilities, I do draw the line though at believing in your own self importance. ‘I’m sorry sir but that’s a table for eight and you’re clearly on your own; would you mind moving to a smaller table?’
‘I beg your pardon. Do you not realise I come in here all the time.’
‘Sir to be quite honest I don’t care where you cum but you’re not doing it on a table of eight.’

Picking up the phone, ‘Hello Red CafĂ© (did you see what I did there to cover up where I work, I bet you’ll never guess where it was) Mikie speaking how can I help?’
‘I’ve just noticed that you have a voucher online for a buy one course get one free but my printer has stopped working, can I come in and use yours?’
‘I’m very sorry sir but we don’t have access to the internet on our office computer.’
‘You’re telling me I can’t use the voucher?’
‘No sir, I’m saying you can’t use our computer but should you bring a voucher in we would be happy to process that.’
‘’I’ve just told you my printer isn’t working, I come in that restaurant all the time. Get me the manager, I’m not having someone tell me I can’t use a voucher.’
‘To be quite honest sir the manager is a prick who couldn’t care less. I’d also like to point out to you that the voucher is an offer not a basic human right. If you’re that desperate to save a few quid though sir Pizza Express is next door and they have a set menu for a fiver.’
‘What’s your name.’
‘Bye sir.’

I would just also like to point out a few other things that aren’t acceptable as far as I’m concearned;
• Not leaving a tip when you have paid for your bill in Tesco vouchers. This is completely unacceptable and just leads me to believe you’re a cheap cunt.
• Asking to have your sauce on the side only to then dump it all over your meal choice anyway. What was the point in that? You’ve just created an extra pot to wash you dick.
• Walking straight into the restaurant and sitting down even though there is a big bloody sign saying ‘please wait here to be seated.’ I’m very sorry but I wouldn’t just walk into your house off the street and sit myself down whilst you’re cutting the labels out of your Primark top.
• Letting your children create lots of mess and then not cleaning it up or leaving a tip. As far as I’m concerned this is the worse you could do and should carry the death penailty.
• Replying ‘Yes’ when I’ve asked if you’re ready to order followed by two minutes of silence whilst you continue to look through the order. At this point I am imagining taking the sharpest knife in the kitchen, chopping your nipples off and serving it as a side order to your children who haven’t stopped screaming since you arrived 30 minutes ago.

Perhaps the worst customer I’ve ever had is a lady on a flight from Dublin to Toronto who I served in the economy cabin. I know, shocking; I normally do business but the poor lad who had done economy the day before had caught rabies from a set of false teeth left on a passenger meal tray. This lady who was travelling with two small children let them run wild up and down the isle. I’d asked the lady (tramp) to keep the children sat down as they had knocked two drinks out of my hand, her response was ‘my children can do what they like whilst I’m paying your wages.’
‘I’m sorry darling but I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning for what you’ve paid for your ticket. May I remind you that you’re in the economy cabin and I would hate to scold your children whilst I’m walking up and down serving tea.
‘This would never happen at British Airways.’
‘It’s funny you should say that madam as I use to work there too. Besides madam we were cheaper than BA, that’s why you haven’t got a life jacket.’

I realise that sometimes we can all be a little rude whilst not paying full attention to a situation, but providing that you leave me a 10% tip I’ll normally let you off. For those that make any of the fatal mistakes as mentioned above, be warned, I could be working in a restaurant near you soon.

1 comment:

Dirty White Tee's said...

If only i lived in Manchester, I believe we would rule with a diamond encrusted iron fist.