Thursday, 6 May 2010
The Alternative Election
I’ve been finding all this talk of a hung parliament all rather exciting. Well that was until someone piped up and told me that it didn’t mean there would be an auditorium full of well endowed men in loincloths. To me that was the most exciting part about it. The first televised debate was also a highlight; I soon recognised though that if I wanted to watch three white, straight and middle aged men tear pieces out of each other I could go to the local working men’s pub any night of the week.
To be honest I haven’t really been swayed by any of the manifestos that are on offer from any of the parties. I mean who cares about nuclear weapons? Who cares if Dorris at number 14 can afford her gas bill this winter? Who cares if little Tiny Tim can’t afford school dinners? Not the Conservatives and not me. I think I speak for everyone when I say there are much more deserving matters that need to be brought to the public’s attention.
For a start if I was made prime minister I would make it illegal to be ugly. I would provide Botox and skin peels free for the over 30s. I’d fund this new initiative by selling all the hot tubs, Playstations, and other luxury items currently found in UK prisons on eBay. Any money left over from this would go towards giving Anthea Turner a new identity; that poor woman has had more public scrutiny in her life than what John Leslie would get at a hen party.
I would also ban medical testing on animals and start a nation wide campaign to adopt a rat and by rat I don’t mean Ashley Cole. Instead I would use prisoners of the most horrific crimes for medical testing. At the end of the day the average cost to keep a prisoner in a state run jail is over £25,718 a year. I think a little bit of medical testing is the least they can do to earn their keep. It’s not as if Ian Huntley deserves to be alive is it? Rather test on him than a poor innocent monkey.
Next on my agenda would be to nationalise the high street resulting in a ban of Primark, low hung jeans and use of baby buggies at peak times. I think this would be beneficial to all and would eventually lead to the word Chav referring to a dress phase that ended in 2010. I would also ban any tailors from making clothes larger than a size 16, forcing fat people to slim down. This in turn would save a fortune on replacing dented pavements.
So please remember that in this election, the most important one for decades, to vote handbagsnbotox.com, the only party that knows what you really want, what you really really want.