Thursday, 27 May 2010

About Mikie

As some of you know, handbagsnbotox.com is about to get a make over. Here is a little sneak preview of the about mikie section of the site. I also want your sugesstions as to what you'd like to see on the new site so please leave your comments below. Just incase you're wondering who is in the photo with me, it's my sister.

In 1985 a child was born with bigger lungs than Dame Shirley Bassey and with equal horrendous dress sense. Struggling to grow up as a queen – drama queen that is – Mikie needed a creative outlet. Attending the same drama class as the 90’s Coronation Street kids, Mikie was sure he’d become a star. However, after a brief stint appearing in appalling ITV show The Grimleys and then Cold Feet, Mikie realised that he had enough drama in his own life without creating more on screen.

Turning his back on the theatre Mikie went on to become a sales assistant in Manchester’s very own gay beauty salon. After a few skin peels and a bit of Botox himself, he soon realised his skin was too good to be kept confined in Manchester so took to the skies as a Trolley Dolly. With more mince than Sainsbury’s, Mikie worked his magic up and down the aisle serving tea and coffee for British Airways, FlyGlobespan and AirAtlanta. Whilst travelling to glamorous destinations such as New York, Toronto, Cape Town and *ahem* Chad, he made a quick 9 month stop over in Cyprus where he earned his keep as a distinctly average hotel singer.

After studying English, Drama and Performance at Salford University he now works as a freelance writer and alternative agony aunt for moanaboutmen.com whilst also writing his first novel ‘Growing up a Queen.’ Now settled back into Manchester, after several restraining orders that prevent him from going south of Birmingham, Mikie spends his spare time watching Victoria Wood repeats, avoiding the gym and boasting about his praise from Sara Cox, Boy George, Eamonn Holmes, Pam Ann and his all time favourite, Dr Christian from Channel4’s Embarrassing Bodies.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Where is the Class?


Through years of working in the service industry it has come to my attention that just like happy moments in EastEnder’s, people with class in England are becoming extinct. I would just like to point out to the man, dressed in a suit who walked into the restaurant where I worked, who wanted a table for one but proceeded to sit himself down on a table set for eight people that you’re what I call, a pretentious prick. I am all for self confidence and believing in your own capabilities, I do draw the line though at believing in your own self importance. ‘I’m sorry sir but that’s a table for eight and you’re clearly on your own; would you mind moving to a smaller table?’
‘I beg your pardon. Do you not realise I come in here all the time.’
‘Sir to be quite honest I don’t care where you cum but you’re not doing it on a table of eight.’

Picking up the phone, ‘Hello Red CafĂ© (did you see what I did there to cover up where I work, I bet you’ll never guess where it was) Mikie speaking how can I help?’
‘I’ve just noticed that you have a voucher online for a buy one course get one free but my printer has stopped working, can I come in and use yours?’
‘I’m very sorry sir but we don’t have access to the internet on our office computer.’
‘You’re telling me I can’t use the voucher?’
‘No sir, I’m saying you can’t use our computer but should you bring a voucher in we would be happy to process that.’
‘’I’ve just told you my printer isn’t working, I come in that restaurant all the time. Get me the manager, I’m not having someone tell me I can’t use a voucher.’
‘To be quite honest sir the manager is a prick who couldn’t care less. I’d also like to point out to you that the voucher is an offer not a basic human right. If you’re that desperate to save a few quid though sir Pizza Express is next door and they have a set menu for a fiver.’
‘What’s your name.’
‘Bye sir.’

I would just also like to point out a few other things that aren’t acceptable as far as I’m concearned;
• Not leaving a tip when you have paid for your bill in Tesco vouchers. This is completely unacceptable and just leads me to believe you’re a cheap cunt.
• Asking to have your sauce on the side only to then dump it all over your meal choice anyway. What was the point in that? You’ve just created an extra pot to wash you dick.
• Walking straight into the restaurant and sitting down even though there is a big bloody sign saying ‘please wait here to be seated.’ I’m very sorry but I wouldn’t just walk into your house off the street and sit myself down whilst you’re cutting the labels out of your Primark top.
• Letting your children create lots of mess and then not cleaning it up or leaving a tip. As far as I’m concerned this is the worse you could do and should carry the death penailty.
• Replying ‘Yes’ when I’ve asked if you’re ready to order followed by two minutes of silence whilst you continue to look through the order. At this point I am imagining taking the sharpest knife in the kitchen, chopping your nipples off and serving it as a side order to your children who haven’t stopped screaming since you arrived 30 minutes ago.

Perhaps the worst customer I’ve ever had is a lady on a flight from Dublin to Toronto who I served in the economy cabin. I know, shocking; I normally do business but the poor lad who had done economy the day before had caught rabies from a set of false teeth left on a passenger meal tray. This lady who was travelling with two small children let them run wild up and down the isle. I’d asked the lady (tramp) to keep the children sat down as they had knocked two drinks out of my hand, her response was ‘my children can do what they like whilst I’m paying your wages.’
‘I’m sorry darling but I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning for what you’ve paid for your ticket. May I remind you that you’re in the economy cabin and I would hate to scold your children whilst I’m walking up and down serving tea.
‘This would never happen at British Airways.’
‘It’s funny you should say that madam as I use to work there too. Besides madam we were cheaper than BA, that’s why you haven’t got a life jacket.’

I realise that sometimes we can all be a little rude whilst not paying full attention to a situation, but providing that you leave me a 10% tip I’ll normally let you off. For those that make any of the fatal mistakes as mentioned above, be warned, I could be working in a restaurant near you soon.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Seats For Take Off

Last Friday saw the launch of HAWCS, as you know it is a charity I support with all my heart and was founded by a woman that has been a massive inspiration to me throughout my life. This lady, Sharen McBride, is true evidence that one person can make a difference. Instead of simple seeing suffering and then thinking someone else will change it as so many of us do, Sharen set out on a four year journey to educate herself and make a stand and create HAWCS. I’ve never been as proud of anyone as I was of Sharen last Friday evening. Habitat and Wildlife Conservation Society is now official up and running. The night was a real success and saw charity patron Katherine Kelly (Coronation St’s Becky Granger) making a special appearance. The amazing singer Angie Brown also delivered a show stopping performance. I’ve been a massive fan of Angie Brown for years and I did not waste this opportunity to get close to her. So close in fact I think there may now be a restraining order against me. I urge you all to take a look at hawcs.co.uk to see just why I am so dedicated to this charity, no doubt after a quick read, it will touch your hearts too.

Handbagsnbotox.com needs you!


A brand new handbagsnbotox.com will be launching very soon. It is looking absolutely amazing and I’m very proud of what has been achieved. As the blog is now growing into a mini site there are obviously going to be some changes. Handbagsnbotox was always intended to be a platform to showcase my own writing talent (it was actually all Sharen’s idea; the same lady as mentioned above). As I have been trying to promote myself I have stumbled across many other talented writers, there for handbagsnbotox is inviting you to write a guest column. Initially the columns will go live every Wednesday with increasing frequency depending on response. A new feature on the site will be a weekly product review, it can be a product of any description as once again this will be chosen from your suggestions. The first product to be reviewed will be ‘A Beginners Guide To Acting English’ by Shappi Khorsandi. If you would like to get involved please write your reviews in no more than 400 words and send them to mikie@handbagsnbotox.com

Adopt A Gay

Well not quite. But I do want your cash; one whole British pound to be precise. As my 1970’s computer is basically melting before my very eyes I’m asking you to donate just £1 so I can purchase a shiny new one. Cheeky I know but £1 is not a lot to ask considering I’ve provided you with over 40 camp and quirky unique blogs. Look at it like the Blue Peter appeal if you like. I need £700 and so far the totalizer has reached £11 from your donations. It’s also my 25th Birthday creeping up round the corner so just think of it as buying me a very cheap drink. You can donate by pressing the donate button opposite or if that doesn't work for you click here to make a donation also through paypal. 

Once again I’d just like to thank you for all the support handbagsnbotox.com has received and ask you very kindly to please go and view hawcs.co.uk

Thursday, 6 May 2010

The Alternative Election


I’ve been finding all this talk of a hung parliament all rather exciting. Well that was until someone piped up and told me that it didn’t mean there would be an auditorium full of well endowed men in loincloths. To me that was the most exciting part about it. The first televised debate was also a highlight; I soon recognised though that if I wanted to watch three white, straight and middle aged men tear pieces out of each other I could go to the local working men’s pub any night of the week.

To be honest I haven’t really been swayed by any of the manifestos that are on offer from any of the parties. I mean who cares about nuclear weapons? Who cares if Dorris at number 14 can afford her gas bill this winter? Who cares if little Tiny Tim can’t afford school dinners? Not the Conservatives and not me. I think I speak for everyone when I say there are much more deserving matters that need to be brought to the public’s attention.

For a start if I was made prime minister I would make it illegal to be ugly. I would provide Botox and skin peels free for the over 30s. I’d fund this new initiative by selling all the hot tubs, Playstations, and other luxury items currently found in UK prisons on eBay. Any money left over from this would go towards giving Anthea Turner a new identity; that poor woman has had more public scrutiny in her life than what John Leslie would get at a hen party.

I would also ban medical testing on animals and start a nation wide campaign to adopt a rat and by rat I don’t mean Ashley Cole. Instead I would use prisoners of the most horrific crimes for medical testing. At the end of the day the average cost to keep a prisoner in a state run jail is over £25,718 a year. I think a little bit of medical testing is the least they can do to earn their keep. It’s not as if Ian Huntley deserves to be alive is it? Rather test on him than a poor innocent monkey.

Next on my agenda would be to nationalise the high street resulting in a ban of Primark, low hung jeans and use of baby buggies at peak times. I think this would be beneficial to all and would eventually lead to the word Chav referring to a dress phase that ended in 2010. I would also ban any tailors from making clothes larger than a size 16, forcing fat people to slim down. This in turn would save a fortune on replacing dented pavements.

So please remember that in this election, the most important one for decades, to vote handbagsnbotox.com, the only party that knows what you really want, what you really really want.