Thursday, 20 May 2010
Through years of working in the service industry it has come to my attention that just like happy moments in EastEnder’s, people with class in England are becoming extinct. I would just like to point out to the man, dressed in a suit who walked into the restaurant where I worked, who wanted a table for one but proceeded to sit himself down on a table set for eight people that you’re what I call, a pretentious prick. I am all for self confidence and believing in your own capabilities, I do draw the line though at believing in your own self importance. ‘I’m sorry sir but that’s a table for eight and you’re clearly on your own; would you mind moving to a smaller table?’
‘I beg your pardon. Do you not realise I come in here all the time.’
‘Sir to be quite honest I don’t care where you cum but you’re not doing it on a table of eight.’
‘I’ve just noticed that you have a voucher online for a buy one course get one free but my printer has stopped working, can I come in and use yours?’
‘I’m very sorry sir but we don’t have access to the internet on our office computer.’
‘You’re telling me I can’t use the voucher?’
‘No sir, I’m saying you can’t use our computer but should you bring a voucher in we would be happy to process that.’
‘’I’ve just told you my printer isn’t working, I come in that restaurant all the time. Get me the manager, I’m not having someone tell me I can’t use a voucher.’
‘To be quite honest sir the manager is a prick who couldn’t care less. I’d also like to point out to you that the voucher is an offer not a basic human right. If you’re that desperate to save a few quid though sir Pizza Express is next door and they have a set menu for a fiver.’
‘What’s your name.’
I would just also like to point out a few other things that aren’t acceptable as far as I’m concearned;
• Not leaving a tip when you have paid for your bill in Tesco vouchers. This is completely unacceptable and just leads me to believe you’re a cheap cunt.
• Asking to have your sauce on the side only to then dump it all over your meal choice anyway. What was the point in that? You’ve just created an extra pot to wash you dick.
• Walking straight into the restaurant and sitting down even though there is a big bloody sign saying ‘please wait here to be seated.’ I’m very sorry but I wouldn’t just walk into your house off the street and sit myself down whilst you’re cutting the labels out of your Primark top.
• Letting your children create lots of mess and then not cleaning it up or leaving a tip. As far as I’m concerned this is the worse you could do and should carry the death penailty.
• Replying ‘Yes’ when I’ve asked if you’re ready to order followed by two minutes of silence whilst you continue to look through the order. At this point I am imagining taking the sharpest knife in the kitchen, chopping your nipples off and serving it as a side order to your children who haven’t stopped screaming since you arrived 30 minutes ago.
Perhaps the worst customer I’ve ever had is a lady on a flight from Dublin to Toronto who I served in the economy cabin. I know, shocking; I normally do business but the poor lad who had done economy the day before had caught rabies from a set of false teeth left on a passenger meal tray. This lady who was travelling with two small children let them run wild up and down the isle. I’d asked the lady (tramp) to keep the children sat down as they had knocked two drinks out of my hand, her response was ‘my children can do what they like whilst I’m paying your wages.’
‘I’m sorry darling but I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning for what you’ve paid for your ticket. May I remind you that you’re in the economy cabin and I would hate to scold your children whilst I’m walking up and down serving tea.
‘This would never happen at British Airways.’
‘It’s funny you should say that madam as I use to work there too. Besides madam we were cheaper than BA, that’s why you haven’t got a life jacket.’
I realise that sometimes we can all be a little rude whilst not paying full attention to a situation, but providing that you leave me a 10% tip I’ll normally let you off. For those that make any of the fatal mistakes as mentioned above, be warned, I could be working in a restaurant near you soon.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
HAWCS. I’ve never been as proud of anyone as I was of Sharen last Friday evening. Habitat and Wildlife Conservation Society is now official up and running. The night was a real success and saw charity patron Katherine Kelly (Coronation St’s Becky Granger) making a special appearance. The amazing singer Angie Brown also delivered a show stopping performance. I’ve been a massive fan of Angie Brown for years and I did not waste this opportunity to get close to her. So close in fact I think there may now be a restraining order against me. I urge you all to take a look at hawcs.co.uk to see just why I am so dedicated to this charity, no doubt after a quick read, it will touch your hearts too.Last Friday saw the launch of HAWCS, as you know it is a charity I support with all my heart and was founded by a woman that has been a massive inspiration to me throughout my life. This lady, Sharen McBride, is true evidence that one person can make a difference. Instead of simple seeing suffering and then thinking someone else will change it as so many of us do, Sharen set out on a four year journey to educate herself and make a stand and create
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Thursday, 6 May 2010
I’ve been finding all this talk of a hung parliament all rather exciting. Well that was until someone piped up and told me that it didn’t mean there would be an auditorium full of well endowed men in loincloths. To me that was the most exciting part about it. The first televised debate was also a highlight; I soon recognised though that if I wanted to watch three white, straight and middle aged men tear pieces out of each other I could go to the local working men’s pub any night of the week.
To be honest I haven’t really been swayed by any of the manifestos that are on offer from any of the parties. I mean who cares about nuclear weapons? Who cares if Dorris at number 14 can afford her gas bill this winter? Who cares if little Tiny Tim can’t afford school dinners? Not the Conservatives and not me. I think I speak for everyone when I say there are much more deserving matters that need to be brought to the public’s attention.
For a start if I was made prime minister I would make it illegal to be ugly. I would provide Botox and skin peels free for the over 30s. I’d fund this new initiative by selling all the hot tubs, Playstations, and other luxury items currently found in UK prisons on eBay. Any money left over from this would go towards giving Anthea Turner a new identity; that poor woman has had more public scrutiny in her life than what John Leslie would get at a hen party.
I would also ban medical testing on animals and start a nation wide campaign to adopt a rat and by rat I don’t mean Ashley Cole. Instead I would use prisoners of the most horrific crimes for medical testing. At the end of the day the average cost to keep a prisoner in a state run jail is over £25,718 a year. I think a little bit of medical testing is the least they can do to earn their keep. It’s not as if Ian Huntley deserves to be alive is it? Rather test on him than a poor innocent monkey.
Next on my agenda would be to nationalise the high street resulting in a ban of Primark, low hung jeans and use of baby buggies at peak times. I think this would be beneficial to all and would eventually lead to the word Chav referring to a dress phase that ended in 2010. I would also ban any tailors from making clothes larger than a size 16, forcing fat people to slim down. This in turn would save a fortune on replacing dented pavements.
So please remember that in this election, the most important one for decades, to vote handbagsnbotox.com, the only party that knows what you really want, what you really really want.