Thursday, 4 March 2010
Vote for Blanche
As the general election campaign gets under way, and as I don’t feel like I can trust a single one of our politicians to go to the shop and give me the correct change, never mind running our country, I thought I’d start up my own political party and ask you lot to ‘Vote For Blanche.’
First and foremost I would make it my mission to fire Dev Alahan from Coronation Street and place him in front of a court for crimes against drama. I don’t think a single person wouldn’t agree that he is the most appalling actor to ever be on prime time television. I would also burn Shobna Gulati at the stake as she recently said in an interview about Dev, ‘he’s a fantastic actor and brings something new to every screen.’ She’s obviously on crack.
Secondly on my political manifest would be to ban every company in the world from using foreign call centres, in particular Virgin Atlantic and AOL. Just two of the most awful call centres I’ve come across. After being on hold for 30 minutes you finally get to talk to Sabina who is Queen of the lost tribe of ‘Camel Toe,’ in deepest darkest India. Straining to hear her down a phone because she only learnt English that morning and she’s still not sure of this alien technology as she sits there in a loin cloth.
Thirdly on my agenda would be to ban PRIMARK. Most of you already know how I loath this store. I understand that some people need cheap clothing, I have nothing against this, but I do object to walking down Market Street and seeing a cloud of smoke at each entrance to PRIMARK from the 50 teenage mothers that loiter outside. I also don’t believe they’re entirely ethical, and I think if you’re going to use cheap labour we should use the criminals in prison instead of giving them laptops and gyms….
Which brings me onto my forth statement if you elected me to run our fine diverse country. Make prisons, prisons. I don’t think it is a punishment to be locked away and be given fantastic education opportunities, personal tuition, that should be for the middles classes. Nor do I believe prisoners should be given televisions, internet access, game consoles and gyms. My gym membership costs me £38 a month and it is a privilege that I can afford it, it’s not a rite. Our prisons are fast turning into a Butlins style resort; it certainly has no deterrent not to reoffend.
Second to last on my manifest would be to ban the Jeremy Kyle show. Instead anyone of the scrotes that apply to go on it would be rounded up every Saturday morning and shot at dawn. It would be a lesson to all Chavs out there that this is what will happen if you continue to tuck your track suite bottoms into your socks.
Last but no means least I would ban Geri Halliwell from ever attending another awards show. After her public display of desperation at the Brit Awards I think the kindest thing to do for her is lock her in a white cell, along with the deluded cunts that run our country at the minute and actually think they’re doing a good job. Oh and that’s another thing, I would do away with political correctness.
So followers and readers of Handbags’n’Botox, I ask you and urge you, to stand up for all things classy and camp and at this years general election ‘Vote for Blanche.’