Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Moan about men…


A little website got me thinking and inspired me to write this blog; believe it or not it was called moanaboutmen.com. Now I’m sure you’ve all moaned about the normal little things, like when your hubby leaves the toilet seat up or when he leaves his crusty boxers on the floor, but I ladies and gays, I have lots of things to get off my chest about my ex’s.

Well apart from the fact that they were all knob heads, they all also had their own way of making my blood boil and leave me reaching for the vodka.

Take my first fella for e.g., let’s call him Gareth, because that’s his name. I was only 17 when I was with him, he was 24. It was a whirlwind romance with the aftermath of a tsunami. He was gorgeous, massive muscles and beautiful. He was very loving, so much so that he liked to share his love, specifically with a lad called Rob behind my back for six months. He was also a compulsive liar. I kid you not, one day he went shopping to ASDA, when I asked him where he’d been, he replied, ‘KwickSave.’

Next came the first of my three Scottish boyfriends, Craig, he was stunning; unfortunately he was one of those pricks who knew it. We were holiday reps at the time in Cyprus. I was desperately unhappy over there and planned to come home several times, each time he persuaded me not to leave. At the end of the season he wrote me a lovely little letter to say that I was just ‘a means to an end,’ almost like a toy just to pass the time. He’d also said to one of my friends that I was a lot fatter than the normal men he goes for, ladies and gays, I was 11 stone.

Next came another Scottish boy that was also called Craig, I should of heard the alarm bells. I met him on New Years Eve, he lived up in Elgin. Every time I returned off a flight from Cape Town at work I’d get straight onboard another and go and see him for a few days. After only a couple of months I paid for him to move to Manchester. I found him a job, paid his rent and did everything for him. Then one night whilst I was intoxicated in a little bar called ‘Hollywood’ a stranger came up to me and said ‘Mike I’m dead sorry you and Craig have split up.’ This was news to me, but in the hours that followed I found out he’d been shagging his colleague. Two hours later I boarded a flight to Toronto where I got over that man by getting under the next.

Now the third one, another Scottish one, he really was sweet and beautiful. I still have a lot of love for him, although we’ve not spoke and seen each other in nine months. We split up through circumstances. He wasn’t any of the above, a genuinely nice person who if I could wave a magic stick I’d make everything better between the both of us. The only thing that made my blood boil about me and Derek was that he was deaf. In the middle of an argument he would simply switch his hearing aids off so he didn’t have to listen to me, and as you can imagine, he could sleep through a bomb blast.

I’m sure my ex’s would say I have lots of annoying qualities, but until they discover I write this blog I won’t worry about it too much. There are just a few of my own I can think of, like smashing up boyfriend number one’s Titanic collection, climbing through boyfriend number 4’s window, actually the list is pretty endless. Now who would like to take me on a date? Low maintenance and only four previous owners…..

4 comments:

Lorna Byrne said...

Wonderful blog, and one I can easily identify with [cringes as she thinks of her exes]. The things we do for love eh? Hope you find a nice man very soon who'll love you as you deserve to be loved, and in the meantime, have fun! x

holly said...

well done! oh if i started a annoying man list i would be here forever, ofcorse nothing to moan about the current one...for now anyways, well done for "nutshelling" them, living thru them with you i assumed id be reading for days straight(no pun intended)hahaha x

BevStubbs said...

Very funny Mikie.....Rosie's father was as tight as a gnats pee hole and after him refusing to spend money on food (and a rather large credit card bill for myself), I decided it was time for him to go. I took his old pay slips and an expired temp passport and hid them under the rug in the living room. This was my CSA backup!!! Anyhow, time passed and we seemed to be getting along ok. He decided, one day, he would be helpful around the house and produced the hoover, proceeding to flick it here and there. I'd forgotten about the paperwork under the rug and before I knew it....the blood drained from me. As the hoover flipped over the edge of the rug,(this was all in slow motion for me)...all I could do was shout "NOOOOOOOOO".....I completely denied any knowledge of how they got there.......

AJ7 said...

Awww honey I want to find the third man from Scotland is there no hopw to rekindle the flame ??? I had a few ( not as in I am a whore few either) bad exes, one of which use to squeeze the blackheads on his back with a small watch screwdriver. It had to be next to the sink at all times. The same ex also would not touch door handles with his bare hands. Yup go figure that !!! Amazing blog by a truly amazing you mwah xxx