Friday, 5 March 2010

Confessions Of A Cart Tart


It’s not all just tea and coffee at 36,000ft you know. The glamorous life of a flight attendant still exists, as long as you don’t work for Ryan Air. It can be hard work perfecting that mince up the isle, pouting and saying ‘you fuckoffee sir’? Listen carefully the next time you fly. Rules have always been made to be broken and onboard that is exactly what happens. Well sometimes if you’re doing a four sector day you have to spice things up a little don’t you? This can be achieved with a little Jack.

Us trolley dollies are drama queens that’s why we’re so good at pretending that everything is fine when we’re hurtling through turbulence in a metal tube. You ever heard that famous saying, ‘only worry when the cabin crew look scared’? Well it’s not that we’re not scared, it’s just that we’ve painted false smiles on our faces and helped ourselves to a couple of brandies to steady our nerves.

You see the job of a trolley dolly would be the best in the world if it wasn’t for you, the passengers. As any crew will tell you all passengers leave their brains at check in when boarding a flight. Why bring a 10kg case on board and try and bang it into a 5kg luggage rack? It clearly doesn’t fit. If you were a size 18 you wouldn’t try and squeeze into a size 8 dress would you? Mind you I have done a few night flights to Ibiza where it’s clear a few Chavs have got dressed in the dark, into their Primark finest.

Perhaps the most annoying question asked by any passenger is ‘Where are we?’ ‘Well madam, if you just look out that widow you’ll see a cloud with a sign post for Alton Towers.’ I have absolutely no idea and I’m not going to ask the captain as he’s put himself on oxygen to help himself get over his hangover. His wife has left him after finding out that he’s shagged every Galley Bitch there is he got a bit worse for wear last night, don’t worry though he’s not flying the plane, we’re on autopilot!

A personal favourite of mine, whilst flying for a long haul low cost airline a passenger was over heard complaining to a colleague. ‘This airline has ruined my holiday,’ the response; ’really sir, well this airline has ruined my life’! Not much he could respond to that.

Another one of my pet hates from passengers is the constant observation that ‘this would never happen on British Airways.’ You’re right of course madam it wouldn’t; you wouldn’t be going anywhere because they’re on strike! May I also remind you that you’re not flying British Airways you’ve chosen to fly low cost you cheap bitch, now please step behind the curtain and go back to your economy seat, where we will shortly be serving you with the choice of Chicken or Beef PotNoodle, served with a plastic fork and stale bread roll. Now Fuck Off!

As for the shenanigans that occur down route, well now that would take me all year to tell you. Especially if I was to tell you about the time when I got pushed a round Cape Town in a supermarket trolley, went skinny dipping in Cyprus, woke up in a recycling bin in Toronto, missed my flight home from Vancouver, woke up naked next to the captain in Frankfurt, or when the Finish solders came for a day round the pool in Africa. I’d love to post you the pictures but I fear I’d never get an airline job again if I made them public. Instead, I will explain some of the cabin crew lingo for you. Happy flying!

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Cart Tart Talk
The Flaps are smashed – I was partying till all hours and I’m hung over to fuck. I can’t possibly serve another tube of Pringles without projectile vomiting, can also mean I had sex last night and can’t sit down.

Can ya bare it? – The famous words muttered a 1000 times a day when it all gets too much

Drinks&Snax – Alcohol and cocaine.

Dragon Wagon – Person in charge.

Night stop – A chance to get pissed, fall asleep in a recycling bin and vomit all the way home across the Atlantic tomorrow.

Immediately if not sooner - Normally talking for a need of alcohol.

4 comments:

col said...

Happy memories :-D

Margaret said...

Well done, another great blog! Now I'll be panicking even more when turbulence strikes looking for signs that the smiles are fake like they do on Lie To Me xx

The Uneasy Writer said...

Apparently, the next big reality show in the United States is going to be based on flight attendants.
I think they'll be following a group of them on Virgin Airlines.

I'm sure it will be high-drama.

Sheri

Jason Shaw said...

So wonderful, brings back many memories. a G & T with Ice and a slice, oh to you sire that gin and tonic, frozen water and a bit of fruit that's been all over the lavvy floor. Served with tongs I've used to unblock the toilet bowl with. You should have seen that massive turd!