Monday, 15 February 2010

Give It Some Heart

Now I know you lot expect me to be vile and tell you stories about how I once gave a blow job to a taxi driver to pay for my fare home, or that I was once so pissed that I woke up in a recycling bin in Toronto. Today, however, I’m going to shock you all. Today, yes it’s true, I’m going to be, ahem, kind.

I know that may have shocked a lot of you but I feel I must say thanks to some people who have plied me with alcohol, let me cry all over them, be sick in their cat’s bowl and still cuddled me.

Now as you know I’m not one for drama, I just seem to attract it, but in the last 12 months I have had more than my fair share. In a nutshell I lost my job twice, split with my fella, moved to London and back, forced to sell my car, saw my father undergo a course of chemo (it’s the fact he survived upset me the most, I had already planned on getting the Mazda, Merc and Rolex) and saw myself comfort eat through four stone of pork pies and Blossom Hill wine. But on the bright side there have been some brilliant people propping me up along the way and encouraging me to drink some more.

Kevin and Lee are one of those sickening in love couples that you just want to vomit all over. Their love for each other is like my love for Victoria Wood; one step away from a restraining order. Without question they have welcomed me with open arms into their cheap IKEA decorated apartment, sent me texts a plenty, invites to nights out and offered their genuine care. Thank You Boys!

Mirren Leask a lady I have known since forever and still stands by me no matter how many times I call her a ginger bitch. I took my first and last pill with this lady, it sent me psychotic, I’m sure she just gave me a Percil washing tablet. An amazing singer, help me show my gratitude by listening to her amazing voice at

My newest friend, yet somehow seeming like the friend I always had is Nicky. Maybe it’s because she drove all the way across Manchester just to bring me a bottle of wine when I was down or that she took me to Glasgow for the weekend to cheer me up that she means so much to me. Perhaps is that we got dumped on the same day and have spent the last seven months drinking ourselves to oblivion together.

My biggest thanks would go to my best friend beyond words, Ben MalMOAN (in joke). Despite being the only person alive to find evil in Mother Theresa he has loved me unconditionally, even when I went against his advice and climbed through my ex’s window, how we laugh now. This man has fed me, watered me (with three bottles of wine for a tenner), put me to bed, listened to my endless phone calls at 3 in the morning, driven me all over Manchester whenever I’ve needed to be some where and even took me away to a caravan for a weekend of alcohol and campness in the Yorkshire dales. Ben I love you, thank you.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m back on my two feet, fighting stronger than ever. Back with a personal trainer and feeling fabulous. But it’s thanks to the people above that I’m not on the streets drinking methylated spirits, again!

1 comment:

Jason Shaw said...

Sure sounds like one hell of a year for you dear boy. Never mind, it's all better, thanks to your lovely friends, and those friends you've yet to meet.