It’s been a brilliant experience flying on the big bird and I’ve had a lovely time but you can not begin to imagine how I long for a cup of real English tea drank from a mug and not doubled up plastic cups. That might sound strange to you but I’ve been drinking that much tea from plastic cups that if you melted them all down you’d have enough to make twenty pairs of Pamela Anderson’s surgically enhanced assets.
I’ve always said there is more to me that just being gay, that I hate scene queens and all things orgy related; as you know I’m a good Catholic boy. However, after two months of rocking in my hotel room that is Faulty Towers and with no gay bar within a 4000 mile radius I might just become one of those vile scene queens on my return to my holy land that is Canal Street that I normally hate so much.
Missing the fact that I could normally walk down Canal Street whenever I want, I’m now planning to get myself some hot pants matched with a rainbow coloured sequined top and take myself down to my favourite gay club, Cruz101, where I will then swap my top for chocolate body spread to which I will let the other queens lick off me whilst I’m dancing to 80’s trashy pop and drinking a pint of Stella through a straw with a green umbrella, just because I can.
I’d also like to swap this Middle Eastern hotel room from an apartment in the centre of the Gay Village that I would share with a poodle dressed in leather. I will then get gay celebrity couple and interior designers Colin and Justin to decorate in a lovely shade of leopard print whilst I have Will & Grace on continuous repeat.
Although there is more to me than just being gay when you can not have something you suddenly have an over whelming desire to have it, whether it be chocolate, wine or in my case a little bit of campness. So for now I will settle for a bit of company courtesy of the soundtrack from Hairspray on my ipod whilst I count down the days till I can get my pilgrimage to my holy land.