Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Just A Thought

Status: Single/Desperate
Belief: Sugababes/Alcazar
Occupatioin: Compulsive over thinker

Ok so I'm twenty four and no further on in this little gay life than I was when I was just entering my little gay life at the sweet age of sixteen, although I had been out of that huge pink sparkly closet to a selective few since I was 14. Yet, still at twenty four I have so many important questions that are left to be unanswered; just what is the perfect length for body hair? Can verrucas be classed as a sexually transmitted infection? Will Brookside ever come back to channel four?

I found the answer to one of my questions above…. the body hair one. Well if like me you weren't taught the answer to this in a sex education class, though I think it should be made compulsory as lets face it no one likes a bush that resembles the hair style of Marge Simpson. Anyway, you might be interested to know that my friend told me a number one on your pubes and a number two on your body hair is the correct etiquette in this situation. But then your next dilemma where do I find the time? Not only to go out and buy some clippers but to trim yourself in the dark folds of skin you never knew you had?

The answer is simple Gaydar.com. Being gay means that you'll probably have a strange fetish it won’t be long before you log on and find someone who is into shaving or another hair removing activity. Simply get chatting and explain your situation (you could even log on at work during your dinner hour whilst Mary from Human Resources has gone to get you a Starbucks Coffee) and arrange for him to pop round that evening for a quick cut and blow followed by an evening of Victoria Wood repeats on UKTV GOLD. Result; your body hair is now in check, you've even had a nice evening of company (I mean Victoria Wood, not the freak with the fetish) and you've given a stranger enough action to really turn him on without having to dry clean your new Habitat sheets. You're now left free to go out and find someone you really fancy and not have to worry about a pubic outcropping.

Well you've done the above and the next night you fall in love with Pedro who's an Italian exchange student, you met whilst standing in line for the toilet as you think urinals are too common. Two months have passed and Pedro decided to stay with you in England claiming it's just a coincidence that his visa ran out a week after he told you he loved you, only one night Pedro comes home with a verruca which you probably think nothing about, but should you?

Now you might think that I'm being a compulsive over thinker but let me set the scene for you; verrucas are caught from places such as swimming pools, changing rooms and saunas, and you have to come into contact with a person's foot which means Pedro hasn't got any socks on, the chances are he's got nothing else on too. Now you know Pedro doesn't have a gym membership and despite his athletic physique, can't swim. Therefore, the only logical explanation left was he took a little trip down to the local sauna whilst you were at your mothers’, who, incidentally still thinks the term gay just means ‘you're a very happy boy’. We all know what men do at saunas, which only backs up my question, are verrucas an STI?

Which leaves me with one question, will Brookside ever come back to channel four? Well Crossroads came back, so I'm guessing anything is possible.

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